Illusions that play with the bath water [entries|friends|calendar] Dana [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(4 lost | Fall with me) [23 Mar 2006|04:32pm] I am home. I hate coming home ragged. I want to leave already. But first to move on.

( Fall with me) [06 Mar 2006|05:43pm] Confedience helps everything. On the phones on the job, I am nervous. In real life, I have learned, finally not to take shit, even though I am still scared. But the face, the mask, makes others respond. Things can only go up. I hope I never see Calvin's cowardly cheating face again, I'll go for prison for that man. Funny, he used to say that about me, he meant it as he'd kill any man that fucked with me, now that I see his words as lies, I'll fufill those promises myself. Some may call this the bitch side in me, no one sees it is an eye for an eye, his life for the one he destroyed. There is no fear left in today, nor tommorrow. Because if the end of my stay here or my life waiting for me tommorrow, I can't stop it, all I can is move strongly against this negative sea which the world is. So here I move on.

( Fall with me) [01 Mar 2006|05:59pm] The black men at my work are always trying to "get" with me. It was always a joke and it was nothing serious until now. They switched trained me to another program and the trainer is try to "mack" me as they put it. It wouldn't bug me but my room mate thinks when I say I want to go out or want a minute alone that I am going to meet up with one of the men. Ridculous. Men are too much sometimes. But with that rant I am feeling fine today, my job search continues. I met an old enemy of mine here, she gave me a friendly face and we both laughed over the idea that we sided with such bad bad men. Everyone keeps telling me I am so young and you know, I have never felt it more because I am scared of tommorrow. But oh well. I gotta keep my chin high. and soon I'll move on.

(2 lost | Fall with me) [27 Feb 2006|05:56pm] Well it seems like it has been forever. A lot have moved on in my spirit. Me and Robbie are splits. He was never worth me and after one more horrible mistake and another dramatic downfall I see that. It hurts but I move on. I now live with a guy that everyone, from co-workers, supervoirs, and friends, say is sickly head over heels for me and is my astrological soulmate. Too bad I couldn't drag a romantic-based feeling out for him if I wanted to. He reminds me of my old cat three-legged tom because no matter what attention I give him he purrs I sware. It feels nice to have a man appreciate me without sex on his mind. I just wish I could feel more than freindship for the pal. Oh well, live goes on, you can't force it and no matter how bleak the future seems I always will have the support to move strongly on.

( Fall with me) [27 Jan 2006|11:30pm] ( Is there just something inside of me that makes everyone want to hang onto me? )

( Fall with me) [27 Jan 2006|01:47am] So I hate going to my job, not because it is telemarketing but because it is JUST LIKE VAPAC. Boredom, trapped over money, wanting to succeed, wanting to do something, but having to sit, talk and watch the drama overflow. So I am looking for another job. Someone that worked with my honey works there now, how funny. Drama hits like a mother fucker. But I stay innocent, clean, like always. I just hate this stuff. I need to find a place to just waste away in. And I just wanna live. Live with my boyfriend and me, that's all. So I just move forward, hopefully we can acomplish great things soon. We both have full time jobs, we both are trying, so karma can't kick us in the nuts for much longer.

(4 lost | Fall with me) [19 Jan 2006|06:37am] Me and Robbie had a huge fight last night. He thinks it isn't fair to me to stay in this relationship because he doesn't think he can give me the time he needs. He is work 6 days a week 12 to 17 hours a day and he will be for like a year or two, and for some it will be 7 days a week. And I support him in this because he loves it and every night he comes home gleming about a sale he made. What he doesn't understand is that what is un fair is the fact that I refuse to give up. I refuse to throw in the towel, break up with him, move on with life and even maybe move back to Cali. I heard the best things in the world are hard and if you quit everytime something gets hard than you are nothing better than a loser. Well, for the first time in my life I have pushed myself to the limit in all ways possible to succeed. I finally have dreams to fufill. I finally have goals, daily goals to complete and look forward to. I refuse to just let him say "This isn't fair to you, I am gonna hurt you, you need to find someone who has time for you." Because that is the last thing I fucking need right now. What I need is to let this strange opptimistic side of me flouish at all costs. And I know how to do it. I havn't admitted to him but the fact that he is gone most of the time is a good thing for me. I like to have my alone space. I like to have a life outside of him. And just because I have hit a brick wall on every single fucking attempt to do that in this city doesn't mean I am gonna stop. I firmly believe that once I am away from the complex I am now in, where they are poisioning me mentally. I will be able to move on... and if I can't find a job I'll just enroll in school full time. I just need to keep things together until next monday. Then I can go to somewhere that people arn't trying to break me down. I am so tired of the shit talk about Robbie. "On of these days, when you are married and have kids Robbie is going to beat you and rape you and your children and I am afraid you won't have the strength to get up from it and leave him. You will end up worse than your mother did. He is going shit all over you." I am so close to telling her fuck off, you don't know my man, you don't know me. Robbie is the first person that has made me happy and positive, now if that is gonna kill me, let it. But I havn't because we stay at her place... And I need to find a way to tell Robbie all this. I just refuse to give up and go back to Sacramento without him.

(6 lost | Fall with me) [01 Jan 2006|06:09pm] Well, if you havn't noticed I am no longer in Sacramento. I have moved. Why? Because life in Sacramento was tearing me apart. So I packed all of my valuables and I hit a Greyhound bus with my honey. Heading where? No clue. We ended up in Nebraska with a friend we met on the bus. So now we are living with him, in his apartment. My honey has a wielding job waiting for him on the 4th. And I am a bride to be. Life couldn't be better. Here in the midwest where my heart told me to go. My family hates it, calls it the biggest mistake of my life but they can all eat dog shit. Rob is the best thing to hit me since birth, and I am not letting go because of social hook ups. I love my baby Calvin Robert Forget.

( Fall with me) Merry Christmas everyone. [26 Dec 2005|01:39am] For the first time since I was little I got EXACTLY what I wanted. 3 out of 5 is damned good. Thank you Santa. I thought it was immpossible, selfish of me to ask, to wish. But you made my dreams come true. You make me believe in you again. I promise I won't take forgranted the gifts you have blessed me with. New years' resolutions are strong in my brain. Same with new years' goals. I refuse to screw up. Isn't it funny how things work so mysteriously?

(2 lost | Fall with me) [25 Dec 2005|12:01am] [ music | Shh - Frou Frou ] This whole week has been hell. This is becoming a habit. Christmas, I see why suicide is so high this time of year. But with all the pains, I still smile. Because I got myself a man I know cares for me. No matter what others say, I feel it. He and I are the ones that matter. Not the outside wanting to bring us down. The bullshit, the drama, it's life. But it won't win. I will. He will. We will win. Til Death, I will try.

( Fall with me) [08 Dec 2005|12:08am] [ music | like I love you - Justin Timberlake ] I have turned. With that little pocket in time, I live. Safety, truth, comfort. I fell.

( Fall with me) [07 Dec 2005|01:32pm] My dad is a jackass. My step mother has proven herself to never deserve my respect again. She will never see me again. My sister is moving in. It is the best thing for us both, I think.

( Fall with me) [06 Dec 2005|12:52am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | Shh - Frou Frou ] Life smiles on me. Today was good. Tommorrow will be too.

( Fall with me) A tip for those sending gifts in the mail. [02 Dec 2005|02:00pm] If anyone is sending their presents this season through the mail make sure to put a slip of paper with the from and to addresses in the box, what the box contains is a good idea too. I have seen too many of cute little care package tore apart and sold off just because it lost it's label and the person that sent it didn't slip any sign of who it was from or sent to. If you don't, it is your own fault if it is lost in the blur of the thousands of packages sent in the christmas season. It is just sad to see a home sewn teddy bear or a expensive necklace sent to some overstock thrift store in Illinois.

( Fall with me) [29 Nov 2005|12:12pm] [ music | Gabriel - Lamb ] Cracking up, I break old habits with the same ways. Methods the same, but the faces are different. Some how it seems like a different world. Have I changed or has the world? Ever stare out at a fogged window, heat on your bare skin, and feel comfort rise over the cusp your emotional walls?

( Fall with me) [26 Nov 2005|03:08am] [ music | You're beautiful - James Blunt ] This thanksgiving I wasn't thankful. But now, I am. I met someone that has made me thankful for living. Today, tommorrow and for another week or so, I'll live in this moment. It isn't painful, and there is no to make it. I am just happy to have these feelings back again. Glorious random wonder in life touching me again.

( Fall with me) Pointless dribble of my happy moments [23 Nov 2005|01:23am] [ music | So sick - Neyo ] I have a boss named Xiaver. It is pronounced ha-vee-air. It confuses me often and I end up trying to figure out and almost calling Pier or Jesus. I don't have a clue why. I met a short guy that reminds me of John Leguizamo. I like him. Ten minutes later a man that looked like John Leguizamo with big ears met up with us and I thought they were related, but they didn't even know each others names. I hope that I am not making some huge racist slur in my brain. The same one that always makes people think my sister is my twin, despite the obvious signs of our age, and that Melissa Solley is black, though her mom does fake it to piss her off. My dad is so close to knowing where I live am beginning to have nightmares about it. I might have to move again just to control these fears. I got an offer for a free lesson in defence. I might just take it up, after all, with my life, I dunno if I'll ever be safe enough. I can't wait to eat pumkin pie. If love is blind, then that would explain why it makes so many damn mistakes.

( Fall with me) [21 Nov 2005|10:47am] Can dreams stay alive after the flesh has died? I hope. I wish. I'll know someday.

(2 lost | Fall with me) [17 Nov 2005|03:11pm] [ music | Wishing I was there - Natalie Imbruglia ] Life makes no sense. I confuse the simple. I laugh in the face of optimists. I'll find my own way to be happy without your dumb ass points. I have a dream, only one. It is the only one that works. If I can't have that I might as well fucking die.

( Fall with me) [16 Nov 2005|01:21pm] He says express. My mind says repress. My heart says anything to kill the pain. I don't know what to do. I want it to go away.

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